Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
