I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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