i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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