After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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