All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
