I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
