if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
