six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
