I met the friendliest cop last night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's never too late to be topless.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
