I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
