Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
