Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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