hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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