Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
