did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
