I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
