I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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