i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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