Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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