dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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