He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
