At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
