I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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