just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
