im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
