I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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