Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
