I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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