i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
