i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
