Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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