I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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