I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
