Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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