Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
