How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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