So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
