No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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