Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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