life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize