I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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