U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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