just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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