just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
