also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
