I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
