You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
