from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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