Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
