We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm at about main and main street
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
